Case Study Documentary: The Bored SG1!
by AncientVampiricGryphon
Summary: Did we really want to know what SG1 get up to when they're all bored? Well, we took a camera and went to find out...


Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own it. ... Trust me, you wouldn't WANT me to own it.

I don't own head and shoulders either.... I don't need to! Wai!

Spoilers: Does this look like an episode review? No? Then it has no spoilers!

Season: any...as usual.

Note/s:

Kidology is the art of bluffing and deception.

Mother-wit is another word for common sense.

And a thanks to those who read my last two works, more thanks to those who reviewed, I'm pleased you found my work amusing.

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Ever wondered what the members of SG1 do when they're bored? I mean stuck on base and REALLY bored?

No, personally, I haven't either, but I'M bored so I just thought I'd show you.

How best to show you?

Make a quick documentary!

It's been a looooooooooooong, boring day at the SGC for a certain five people. It probably was for a great many others, but then again, no one ever really gets to hear about them and so we wont voyeur on them.

Case Subject 1:

J.A.C.K. (Jovially Annoying Colonel Kidologist)

Jack HAD been in his office. Not particularly bored seeing as he had been throwing a ball against the walls; listening to it thud, catching it, throwing again, and so on (big fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite them, and little fleas have lesser fleas, but they use head and shoulders, so bugger ad infinitum!).

But this, of course, had eventually lost its novelty and the colonel, in all his wisdom, decided to throw it full force against the wall.

NOT his brightest of moves

SHOOM! The ball went whizzing round the office, bouncing off everything it could, knocking stuff over, smashing things, burning a nice clean hole through a stack of ignored memos... Jack was glad that he didn't have any windows in there.

He watched and snatched for the ball on every occasion it came close enough, but it seemed to bounce off anything it even slightly brushed past. So when Jack finally did get hold of the bleedin' thing, it just shot off again really fast, leaving Jack with nothing but a handful of friction burns.

"Oi!" Jack called after the ball, shaking his hand a little to cool it off.

The ball screeched to a stop in mid air and turned round as if it were doing so to face Jack.

"You're meant to STAY in my hand when I catch you." He growled, obviously not realising the ball was hovering in mid-air and paying attention.

The ball tilted to one side slightly as if considering this statement.

...

It made a raspberry noise and shot off round the room again.

Jack reacted pretty much like the ball was a person, not a ball, and chased it round his office.

This could take a while...lets move onto another subject.

Case Subject 2:

S.A.M. (Smiles And Mother-wit)

Sam was in her lab.

So what else is new?

Bored?

Well, she WAS bored...

But she soon realised that she had NO work to do, and had no one around to bear witness to her hobby.

Was it something to do with technology?

Yes.

Well...

Sort of.

It was the technology of jello.

On the table in front of the major were a lot of smallish glass bowls of various colour and scent gelatines. None of them were wobbling as of yet, but then, wobbling jello might be dangerous.

Sam had invented all of these jellos herself and was quite proud of them all.

Jello? Big deal I hear you say. Well, no, I don't hear you say, and best if Sam doesn't hear you say it either!

These Jellos were special, very unique.

Sam backed away behind another table and pulled a pair of welding goggles down over her eyes. Using a really long set of tongs; she gripped the edge of one of the glass jello bowl. This was a lime green jello.

Carefully, Sam pushed and gently wiggled the bowl using the tongs then....

...

...

KA-BOOM!

What the blood and stomach pills?!?!

Bits of jello and many shards of glass lie around the lab. Black sooty scorch marks circle the space on the table where the jello bowl had stood and soot smeared a lot of other things too.

Sam stood there looking like the typical deranged genius, soot smeared face, big scary pearly white grin, and hair slightly be-smudged with soot and stood up in various messy spikes and tufts.

Now, the deeper and brighter the colour, the stronger the explosion. And that was a lime green jello...so what would happen if she set off, say, an amber one?

Uh-oh.

No. Sam. Not the red one... Dear goddess, NOT THE RED ONE!

Fbleep this shbleep.

Ow! Hey! Get off!!!

Case Subject 3:

D.A.N.I.E.L. ( Darn Annoying Nimrod I Ended (up) Lying (on the floor because of) )

Ah, the archaeologist of our studied set of creatures.

He seems to have a pre-occupation with the fact we have a 'phantom bleeper' in these fics bleeping out the expletives.

So my earlier little bleeped expletives brought him running.

In case you haven't guessed...

Daniels boredom killing pastime is, for now, EBH.

Expletive Bleeper Hunting.

Of course, he's fully ready to do this task...

Hyped up on WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much coffee and wearing... a... straight jacket? ...umm...

RUN AWAY MAD MAN!! I repeat LOONY ON THE LOOSE!

Daniel heard another expletive being bleeped elsewhere, where a few airmen were playing poker in the corridor, and runs off in that direction, jacket sleeves flailing behind him, a buckle of one catching another random airman in the eye. Ow.

This is getting beyond a joke; first damn near blown to pieces by jello and now flattened by a coffee high Daniel...

Alright... perhaps it will be safer if we moved along to another case subject...

Case Subject 4:

T.E.A.L.C. ( Try Eating A Large Cow .... What the hell!? Who input that?! )

The Jaffa was sat in his room.

Was he bored?

Was he hell.

He was sat there applying eyeliner very carefully, getting some practice in, when working in such a lively and action filled place as the SGC, you gotta know how to keep your make-up perfect even after a battle.

Eyeliner complete, Teal'c decided to finally give himself a decent manicure rather than a quick emergency file down. And it's a new emery-board today, yay!

Midway through emery-boarding his nails on his left hand, a though seemed to pass Teal'cs mind and he paused his actions, board poised perfectly at nail then slowly lowered away to the side. And the Jaffa sat there, staring at nothing in particular, one eye brow slowly raised and quite high up too. So high, any higher and you'd think that it was propping the ceiling up in there.

And that's how he remained.

Not moving a muscle.

...

...

Aww, come on!

What'd he do?!

Have the wrong type of mushrooms in his soup?

Case Study 5:

J.O.N.A.S. ( Jello Official Now A Scientist ... ...err... )

And as for the resident clown...err... I mean Kelownan...

He's sat in his room on the edge of his bed, re-reading and committing the horror rules to memory. For some reason, his mind is Teflon coated towards the completely random rules of horror survival.

You'll note that he was wearing dusty blue pyjamas with cute smiley cartoony weather symbols on them.

Alright clown boy... that horror rules gag's gone on long enough...

Jonas squeaks and leaps back against his bed, splatting against the wall, curled in a ball as a mop handle poked him in the ribs gently.

Heheh...

A few more pokes cause a few more squeaks, shivers and swipes of the hand at the mop handle.

If its one thing we learn from tormenting Jonas, it's that he makes a decent human sized kitten!

Poke. Poke. Poke.

Hey! This is fun! ...it also may take a while... so thus ends the short documentary.

STRANGE OCCURRENCES REPORTED SINCE THE MAKING OF THIS STUDY/DOCUMENTARY/(WASTE OF TIME):

Occurrence 1:

A few airmen spotted Jack as they rounded a corner. They stopped deathly still and watched in severe confusion as the colonel stood bent over, finger raised at a tennis ball on the floor and was saying "now, when I say 'sit' and 'stay', I MEAN sit and STAY."

Occurrence 2:

A Tok'ra visit was disbanded as the briefing room was blown up. There was no signs of any explosives, BUT there were millions of tiny shards of glass and many splotches of jello all over said room. The culprit remains unknown.

Occurrence 3:

There appeared to be a structurally unstable area in one of the corridors on base. There have been rumours that an eyebrow is making a very good pit-prop.

Occurrence 4:

A certain archaeologist has been banned from the consumption of coffee while on base. Needless to say those nice tie-behind sleeves on his pretty white jacket need a lot of tightening.

Occurrence 5:

Jonas' behaviour around janitors mopping the floors has been appalling and rather hurtful to some people's feelings. He's been reported as stopping suddenly, pointing an accusing finger, meowing something then running away form the scene like a coffee high Dr Jackson. ... hmm... I wonder why.

Occurrence 6:

The colonel has been spotted walking the corridors with a red leash trailing behind him. Attached to the leash is a red collar with silver spikes and a little silver name disk. In said collar is a tennis ball.

What do these occurrences mean?

It means we should never, ever, EVER go near a bored SG team. Especially if we value our lives, exploding jello is volatile!

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well, there it is...new fic.

Not a sequel.

Not going to have a sequel.

No rules.

Please; read, review, remind me to come up with some more material.


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